Who Am I?
I think the door to the room was behind me, but when I visualize this moment all I can see is Guruji sitting legs crossed on a small mattress, his back against the wall. A few disciples were gathered around him, and I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed, directly across from this small glowing man. Sri Brahmananda’s dark, darting eyes pierced me; they shot out light, or energy, or something electric that kept me focused. “Last life” he was saying to me with one hand raised, index finger pointing upward, “you were a famous dancer. This life dance will become meditation.”
In 1984 I was a modern dancer living in San Francisco when I met Sri Brahmananda Sarasvati. I began attending his morning and evening programs at an old Victorian on Folsom Street, home to the Yoga Society of San Francisco and Brahmananda Ashram. The first time I joined Guruji’s meditation, “Om Ko’Ham/Who Am I?” was the mantra of the day, written in white chalk on the blackboard. I was familiar with the mantra. It was one I had chanted years before as an overwhelmed college freshman. At that time, feeling so very adrift and out of my element, I had repeatedly asked plaintively to no one in particular, “Who am I?”
This was the essence of the Guru’s teaching: “Feel.” He would quietly instruct the disciples, “Who Am I?” and then he’d continue, hinting at an answer, “You are not your body.”
I studied with Sri Brahmananda whenever he was in San Francisco and at Ananda Ashram in Monroe, NY, when I visited my family in Connecticut. I learned about yoga philosophy, meditation, and the power of mantra. The dancer in me was inspired to do physical chanting and I started experimenting. I discovered what I called Moving Mantras.
My first Moving Mantra, “Om Ko‘Ham, Who Am I?” developed the choreographic techniques used in composing Moving Mantras—repetition, concentration on a single focus, and shaping words and moving them through the air and on the floor. As I practiced and performed “Om Ko‘Ham, Who Am I?” again and again, my life changed. I was asking the essential question, “Who am I?” with my whole body and I began to receive answers. At first, I used Moving Mantras as my own personal meditation practice, but soon I began incorporating Moving Mantras into my dance classes.
A series of sad losses brought me home to Connecticut in 1990. One day a dancer friend invited me to a yoga class in Nyack taught by Paula Heitzner. Paula’s kindness and caring kept me coming back. Her classes taught me a whole new movement vocabulary and the intense practice seemed to wring the grief out of my body. I attended Paula’s classes religiously three times a week, sometimes four, slowly stitching together the fabric of my torn life. Paula encouraged me to begin teaching yoga, so I did, and dance continued to evolve into meditation. Paula also introduced me to my spouse Charlene Bradin, and together we founded Birchwood Center for Yoga and Massage Therapy in Nyack, which thrived for over 22 years until COVID closed the studio in 2020. During the Birchwood years I designed and implemented our 200- and 500-hour Yoga Teacher Trainings, Gentle Yoga and Restorative Yoga Immersions, and continued to develop Merging Movement & Meditation Workshops.
Today my Merging Movement and Meditation workshops still include Moving Mantras, but also use ritual, simple but potent breathing exercises, meditative walking, subtle and full body mudras, repetitive movements layered with breath, and a gentle asana practice interspersed with moments of guided meditation to invite a tranquil mind.
Merging Movement and Meditation workshops are open to yogis at all levels and anyone who loves to move and meditate, no experience needed. Come to this class with an open heart and curious mind and move into that sacred, joy-filled place of oneness, the quiet space where you can feel, Who am I?
Om Shantih,
Betsy Ceva
Join us for Betsy's workshop on October 19, 2024.